An Essay on Yuugiou Male Pregnancy
by Kate Van Helsing
Summary: A rant on the aformentioned subject. Just a rant. Don't take this too seriously. Not rated mature because nearly everyone knows the terms mentioned by the time they're thirteen. Flame to your heart's content. EDIT AT BOTTOM


An Essay on Yuugiou Male Pregnancy

And Why IT AIN'T NEVER GONNA HAPPEN

By the handle known as Kate Van Helsing, who, even though she's an idiot without a single good fic of her own, will attempt to give a glimpse into the strange and scientifically law-breaking world known as _male pregnancy_.

(The authoress _will_ acknowledge that not all of these are bad. These actually had adequate explanations for how the man wound up knocked up. This is for all those who think all men can get pregnant and it's totally normal.)

I own nothing mentioned here. No suing, please.

EDIT AT BOTTOM

Searching through the myriad fanfics in the Yuugiou ficdom, I have come upon several fics that are, shall we say, completely ignorant of the YGO universe and the laws of physics. Let me put it to some of the readers this way: MEN DO NOT GET PREGNANT.

Sorry ladies, it doesn't happen.

Now, now, none of that. I am not narrow minded or a homophobe or whatever; it is simply impossible. Biology and other factors forbid it.

"Bt nthg cn stnd n the way of tru lurv!!1!"

Tell that to Romeo and Juliet. Oh wait, that's right, THEY'RE DEAD.

Listen, oh she who believes in male uteruses, men cannot have babies, plain and simple.

Let's run through that oh so pleasant chat most of us had in the second semester of fifth grade or from our older friend at age nine. This ought to clear a few things up.

In order to be able to have kiddies with half of someone else's DNA, it all begins with the ovaries. Which men have none of; they have testicles. Not the same thing AT ALL. I don't CARE if you say they're similar enough to do the same functions. THEY'RE NOT.

Yes, this includes Bakura.

Once a month, one of the ovaries releases one or sometimes multiple eggs down into the uterus, which is connected to the vagina, which men DO NOT HAVE. It is not connected to the urethra, and definitely not to the rectum. If it was, were the hell would his colon go? Out his ear? (Please do not draw this.)

If the egg is not fertilized by a certain time, it dies and it and the lining of the uterus are evacuated from the body in a painful and unpleasant phenomenon known as a menstruation or more commonly as a period. As far as I know, no "mpreg" fic has ever made the pregnant man have a period, or even a bout of PMS. Personally, I think it would be interesting, but hey, what do I know?

But, taking some EXTREMELY creative liberties (this is too out there to be a creative liberty, it's more like a creative rape, but let's see _you_ come up with a better term), let's say a man DID become pregnant.

Since he's the one most yaoi fangirls have being knocked up, let's say Yuugi.

The second he goes to the doctor to get diagnosed for whatever "weird disease" he has, it will not be treated like any other pregnancy. The doctor would probably wig out and call National Geographic, the Smithsonian, Ripley's Believe it or not, what have you. The man would be lucky if he didn't have a heart attack then and there.

Unless there's some sort of curse or really freaky virus going around, chances are our man is the only pregnant dude. If men are spontaneously getting pregnant (and by happy coincidence, they're every "hawt" guy in the manga/anime who are all suddenly homosexual), that's probably a sign of the apocalypse.

* * *

Although this is not _technically_ on topic, I feel the need to cover this here and now.

Not every man in Yuugiou is gay.

I'll admit, there are some "hints" in both the show and comic, but COME ON. Although there are signs that Yuugi and mou hitori no Yuugi are "close", there is no direct evidence, and certainly not ANY for the other "yami/hikari" pairings. While we're at it, they've never once been called yamis and hikaris. I don't care what 4Kids told you. (Seto Kaiba and Katsuya Jounouchi are so impossible in the YGO universe I can't find the words to describe it. To the icy river of Cocytus with the "thin line between love and hate". If that were true, 90 of you should be head over heels with Anzu.)

Ahem.

Continuing where I left off, poor Yuugi has been knocked up by insert seme of choice here. He would NOT consider it a natural process; he'd be screaming, "WHY GOD, WHYYYYY?!"

Men out there, admit it, you'd be screaming too.

When the time for the birth comes, of course the paparazzi will storm in for a look at She-Man and the whole thing would be videotaped.

And if you think for one second that Yuugi would give "natural birth", think again.

He'd never survive.

Even if he did, that would have to either put kidney stones to shame or be the worst case of constipation feeling ever known by man. If it's the first, he can forget about ever being the _father_ of a child.

He wouldn't even consider those options; he'd demand either a C-section or their heads on a platter. (Pre-birth hormones are worse than PMS. Take it from a second cousin who knows. J was practically the devil during labor.)

Labor don't last for five minutes and then instant kid. Try going for at least 17 hours.

Yeah, so no natural birth. There is nothing wrong with C-sections in an emergency. I was born that way. (Bad example.)

After the strange world broad casted birth, Yuugi would probably be immensely moved by his little bundle of joy. And so would the father. Whoever he is.

One last note before I finish, men don't breast-feed either. They have no boobs. If you're really _that _desperate, just make your pregnant man a girl and have it be done with.

I now conclude this hopefully somewhat insightful albeit badly written piece of crap essay. Hopefully, some of you will agree. For those of you who read this and make a bad "mpreg" fic anyway, I tried. I did.

Sorry I wasted a few minutes of your time.

Sincerely,

The Handle Known as Kate Van Helsing

EDIT

I have recently found out that there was a woman who got a sex change and is now the world's FIRST pregnant man. Whoa. If a story has a LOGICAL explantion, I will not go off like a Roman candle at you. But please, an explanation. Men getting pregnant is not a common phenominon. Don't delude yourself.


End file.
